Insight required

[pretty_confused]

At 5 I can recall dessing up in a dress at school and wearing blue lipstick.  Then I think I had my first transgender fantasy when I was like 7/8 years old.  It involved me being transformed into one of my pretty schoolgirl classmates.  Basically from then on I have been pretty screwed up, experimenting with all manner of things but at the same time keeping a normal life ... job ... girlfriends ... marriage ... FORBIDDEN WORDs.

I don't think I would classify myself as transsexual ... like I don't feel so much like a woman trapped in a man's body.  The feelings and desires seem more sexually driven.  I think if I could flip a switch I would like to see what it is like to be a pure shemale .... and to me that term means more in line with what you see in the porn sector .... I would be all female except for down under ... and it would be about sex.

I'm trying to understand how I got from that 5 year old to now.  I'm wondering if perhaps those memories of a dress etc were something more like some form of abuse that occurred at school?

I would love to here from "shemales" .... how did you get to where you are now? Do you even know?  I guess if perhaps you understand yourself you may be able to provide insight that will help be understand myself.

Thanks